Castle
Curley.org
Queen
Lori: Inspiration
Why I Hate Flying
"Why I hate
flying" diatribes:
Part I can be found as my short story "Flying With
Children", which is based on actual events.
Part II: My journey to and from California in
2004.
Part III comes from John
Kovalic, our favorite Muskrat: Toronto to
Helsinki Begin at the link, and keep going until he
makes it to Helsinki.
Part IV compliments of Scott Adams,
creator of Dilbert: I Love Technology.
Part V from my friend, D. Jackson: "All
because I didn't check to see if my alarm was set for 3:30am or 3:30pm."
Part VI from my friend Lucien Soulban: The letter he
sent to the airline.Part VII from Meg Cabot.
To/From
California 2004:
The only bad thing about the weekend was, of course, that the
airline industry lived down to my expectations. I submit the following
examples:
-the gentlemen seated next to me on the flight from Madison to Chicago
who thought my shoulder was a good pillow
-the seat on the flight from Chicago to San Francisco that was so small
it bruised my hips
-sitting on the aisle on the flight from Chicago to San Francisco, thus
being bumped every two minutes by everyone and everything that moved in
the aisle (and no one ever said "excuse me")
-Waiting to check in for a midnight flight because airport security
does not allow check in of luggage more than four hours before takeoff
-Overpriced airport food: $2.50 for a bottle of soda and $2.75 for a
bottle of water is usurious
-the VCR malfunctioning on the flight from San Francisco to Chicago,
thus making the flight attendants act out the safety procedures and
making watching Moosewood
impossible
-which is okay because the set of headphones I was given didn't
function either, so I couldn't hear the movie anyway
-Having to travel from the C terminal at O'Hare to the F terminal
through a tunnel that had been decorated by someone who obviously took
acid and thought dancing neon lights are cool
AND WORST OF ALL:
-missing our flight from Chicago to Madison because they changed the
gate AND DIDN'T TELL US!
Seriously, we were sitting at gate F2, and when our flight was never
called, Brian looked at the departure screen again and saw that the
flight had been changed to F6. At F6, we were informed our flight had
already left, and why didn't we look at the departures screen again to
insure that our flight was still leaving at the same gate? Needless to
say my husband and I both resisted our first impulse to throttle these
imcompetents who couldn't understand why we were so irate. Then I
explained: 1. had we caught this flight, we would have been home in an
hour, and 2. we had been awake for over 24 hours trying to fly across
country. Now, we'd been sitting at F2 for two hours and had seen the
lengths the people at the gate go to find passengers. They make
announcements over the PA system "Passenger so-and-so, final boarding
for flight ### at gate ###." The people at F6 didn't try very hard to
find us, and the people at F2 should have said, "If you're flying to
Madison, that gate is now F6." They put us on a 10:05 flight leaving
from, you guessed it, the C terminal. Mercifully they pointed us to a
shuttle to take us back to C without going through the neon tunnel
again. When the shuttle driver said, "Good morning," I replied, "No it
has not been."
Back in terminal C, Brian confirmed that we were in the right place,
and I asked to speak with a manager. The manager was wonderful, easy to
talk with, and agreed that the people in the F terminal did not do
their jobs properly. She sent my complaint to the manager in F terminal
and gave coupons for $150 off our next flight, provided we fly within
the next year.
Dilbert Blog, October 2005
I love Technology
Today (the day I wrote this) I woke up early because
I have a cross-country flight. I fired up my computer and used the
airline’s web site to change my seat assignment and print out my
boarding pass.
Well, technically, I spent an hour trying to do
that, but the web site kept melting down at different points until I
finally gave up and called their 800 number and handled my transaction
in an efficient manner using their speech recognition system.
Well, technically, I spent 15 minutes crawling
through the automated menus until my cat climbed on the desk and meowed
into my speakerphone. That put the system into a mode where my only two
choices were “before the flight” and “during the flight.” That’s not
the sort of question you want to answer without knowing the context, so
I bailed out and called again. This time I efficiently handled my
transaction using their sophisticated phone system.
Well, technically, I spent what seemed like a
lifetime crawling through the automated voice menus until I got an
option of talking to a live person. The live person courteously and
efficiently handled my transaction.
Well, technically, the system said it was
transferring me to the next available agent but it disconnected me
instead. On my second try, I got a nice woman in India who helped me
change my seat. Then I had a wonderful flight.
Well, technically, the airline’s automated message
called me an hour later and said my flight was cancelled for no
particular reason. But I was automatically rebooked to a new and better
flight with excellent seats and vegetarian meals. There
was a good chance I could get backrubs from attractive flight
attendants too.
Well, technically, they booked me on an overnight
flight that would guarantee that when I gave my keynote speech to crowd
of 1,000 industry leaders soon upon landing I would look like a
heroin-addicted badger that had stowed away in a jar of mayonnaise
But no problem. I changed airlines and booked a more
reasonable flight. Then I breezed though the security screening and had
a wonderful travel experience.
Well, technically, when you make a one-way flight at
the last minute, it raises some red flags on someone’s computer. A
potato-shaped woman with unfashionable glasses herded me into the
“severe search” line. Someone told me to stand in a high tech phone
booth sort-o-thing that blew air on me, analyzed it, and informed the
technician whether I had been in contact with explosives lately. I
passed the test, but I spent the whole time wondering how I could get
some.
Now I’m sitting in the airport, waiting for the
flight that will probably be hijacked, while writing this blog entry on
my laptop.
I’m still optimistic about the backrubs.
Posted October 31, 2005 in TravelMeg Cabot BlogSaturday, July 18, 2009 Bedlam at Gate 10 Hi!
I am stuck in the Atlanta Airport (Gate E10, to be exact) after being
stuck at the Key West airport for approximately four hours earlier
today with an entire Cub Scout Troop. (I felt so sorry for the
troop leader, I wanted to offer him a Vicodin. But then I was like,
“Oh, no, if he’s out of it, then who will protect the rest of us from
them?”) And now my bag is lost. And I am losing battery power on
my laptop as I write this. And there are no more plugs. And I have a
bunch of stuff due, like, now. And there are five small (seeming
unrelated to one another) children screaming next to me. Where I’m trying to get is Minneapolis in time for my signings there tomorrow and Monday. Tomorrow (Sunday) I’ll be speaking and signing books from 2PM-4PM at Red Balloon Children’s Bookstore 891 Grand Avenue St. Paul, MN 55105 Tel: 651-224-8320 I
know it’s a children’s bookstore, but don’t worry if you’re not a
kid…we’re all kids at heart! Don’t lie and pretend you didn’t go to
Harry Potter this weekend (and loved every minute of it, especially all
the snogging.) (I promise the children at Red Balloon are better behaved than the ones around me right now.) And yes, bringing books from home for me to sign is fine. But
it’s always polite to buy a book from the store while you’re there so
the bookseller hosting the signing makes a little $ in these hard
times. Surely you know someone having a birthday or have a little early
Christmas shopping to do. And on Monday I’ll be speaking and signing from 11AM-Noon at Alltel Convention Center 1 Civic Center Plaza Mankato, MN 56001 The
focus of my speech on Monday will be writing, myself (of course), the
Princess Diaries books, and the Betsy-Tacy books (I’ve written the
foreword to the new HarperCollins edition to Betsy Was a Junior and
Betsy and Joe, my favorite books in the series). I’m excited
to be involved in the reissues of these classics, along with two of my
favorite writers, Anna Quindlen and Laura Lippman (sadly, these
reissues won’t be out until the Fall, though, so you won’t be able to
buy the reissue with my forward there). This is all dependent on
if I GET to Minnesota. In the meantime, I’m being thwarted by Delta
Airlines. Yes! I’m talking to YOU, Delta Airlines! (Also, no, kid, you CANNOT have some of my almonds that I bought with my $7 meal voucher. Get away from me.) Apparently, Delta schedules their flights, and accepts payment for them. But they don’t actually SEND THE JETS TO PICK PEOPLE UP until they feel like it. Never
mind that because of this I completely missed my connecting flight (and
was told my bag is going to arrive in Minnesota at one time and I am
going to arrive in Minnesota at another time, but these will not be the
same time.) (Now the kids are fighting over their Gameboys and
pulling each other’s hair. Keeping it classy here at Gate E10 at the
Atlanta Airport.) Oh, and that Delta’s sending that original
plane so late was an “act of God” so not to expect a reimbursement on
the difference in the cost of the seats since I paid for first class
(because I’m fancy), but my seat on the new flight is coach. (Now one of the kids is smearing pizza on the wall. I am not even kidding.) You know what an “act of God” is? Daniel Craig. Sending
the plane you bought a ticket for three hours late is not an act of of
God (especially when other planes for your destination were leaving
during that time but no one would let you get on one). (The
woman sitting next to me just said, “If those kids don’t quit their
fussin’, I’m gonna smack’em myself. Like we don’t have enough problems
with our plane being late and our bags lost and these here seven dollar
vouchers. Like you can buy a meal for seven dollars!”) Amen, sister. On
the plus side, I’ll soon be fitting into those skinny jeans I bought
last summer, but which have been giving me a little muffin top lately. I suggest Ruby from the Style Network try flying Delta Airlines for the next stage of her diet plan. See you tomorrow, Minnesota (hopefully)! More later. Much love, Meg